Published on October 8th, 2015 | by Alan Cross5
Top 11 Reasons Cassettes Suck
Sorry. Another rant about the uselessness of this bogus cassette revival that so many people apparently want to see happen. It’s nostalgia that’s been manufactured and propagated in some corners of the media. It’s gotta stop.
I was reminded of the idiocy of cassettes as I walked the senior bull terrier last night. On the side of the road was a ruined Maxwell, its disemboweled tape innards ripped out and useless. I know the scene well: someone was playing this cassette when the player began emitting that unmistakable *uuuuuur-uurrrr-uuuuuuuurrrrrrr” sound indicating that the transport mechanism had failed and many metres of tape was now wrapping itself around the capstan of the player. That’s how cassettes die. Beyond a certain point, there is no hope.
Here’s why cassettes suck.
- Compared to CDs, vinyl and MP3s, they sound awful. There’s nothing romantic about poor frequency response and tape hiss.
- After a while, the glue holding the metal particles on the tape dries out and they fall off, taking sound with them. All magnetic tape eventually dies this way.
- Cassette cases have hinges that are only slightly less fragile than those we have on plastic CD cases.
- Not a single automobile manufacturer in the world offers a cassette player as standard equipment anymore.
- If have an old car with a cassette player, the tapes inevitably end up on the floor of the passenger side, which is very annoying to anyone sitting there…
- …or you leave them in the sun, causing them to lose shape. Once that happens, it’s only a matter of time before the cassette meets the Capstan of Death.
- You don’t look ironic using a Walkman. You look like a doofus.
- And how many people have access to a working Walkman, anyway?
- The tediousness of fast-forwarding and rewinding.
- In fact, how many people still have any kind of cassette machine at their disposal?
- Who has time to put together a mix tape in real time? I know, I know: devoting time to such a project shows a special sort of care. But i you have that much spare time, come help me file my CDs. There’s plenty of work to be done there.
I’m sure I could think of more reasons, but you get the drift. Yet for some reason, cassettes are making some kind of revival.
Please, people, stop this madness. If you’re going to invest in a retro technology, make it vinyl. You’ll be much better off.
And now, if you must, a video.