Top Ten Bad Music Movie Moments

I love movies and music and sometimes there are great combinations of those things or an artist does a cameo that adds to the film. Sometimes an artist make a film where they protray the main character which just happens to be a lot like them including their musical qualities. Other times it’s an actor in a musical part where they think they can sing… and they can’t.

And then other times it’s like someone ate a whole bag of dollar store burritos and couldn’t make it to the bathroom and decided to use the moment that came three minutes later.

And those are the moments we are focusing on in this week’s top ten list. Top Ten Bad Music Movie Moments!

10) Vanilla Ice Ninja Raps – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2

The first TMNT film was great, even as an adult I love it. Unfortunately the sequel… is… not as good. The violence is toned down to sad levels (and growing pressure from parents) and probably the most glaring issue is the fact that Vanilla Ice appears and performs the “Ninja Rap”. AT the time this was a bit of a big deal. The Turtles franchise was doing great and this was the height of Ice’s popularity but unfortunately with time, this ends up being more like peanut butter and steaming horse dung as opposed to peanut butter and chocolate. To make matters worse, my beloved Turtles begin dancing with Ice and his crew. Not… Good.

9) Pierce Brosnan – Mamma Mia

I’m not an Abba fan but I’ve got to admit that when I saw it in Toronto, I enjoyed the stage version of Mamma Mia!. When I heard about a film version, I thought it sounded like fun and honestly, I like Brosnan in pretty much everything. Even when the movie is terrible (like any of his Bond pictures with the exception of Goldeneye), Pierce is usually the good part. Not true of Mamma Mia however. In a film filled with non-singers belting out the occasional random Abba song, Brosnan is the worst. Even if his character is supposed to be an awful singer, it doesn’t help. It just seems to go on forever. Like a drunken Irish man based dentist drill, it hurts.

8) Rock Biter Singing Born To Be Wild – The Neverending Story III

Trying it’s damnedest to live up to it’s title, The Neverending Story III was pretty much a cash grab that abandoned all of the whimsey and fantasy nature of the first film but have one of it’s main characters ruin a Steppenwolf song.

7) Prince – Graffiti Bridge

This one hurts a little. I am a fairly big Prince fan and despite the not so great acting, I love Purple Rain (50% for the music, 50% for the cheese) but it’s sequel, Graffiti Bridge, is milking the cow… but milking it wrong. Like if Purple Rain was the cow, Graffiti Bridge would be trying to milk it with a hammer. The soundtrack doesn’t even seem to sit well. Graffiti Bridge  seems like “A Purple Rain sequel sounded like a good idea at the time” kind of thing. And yes, Under the Cherry Moon was a worse film but it at least felt like a movie. This just feels like a money grab.

6) Spice Girls in Spice World

An attempt at doing what the Beatles did with their films… starring a group of women who weren’t a fifth as talented as John Lennon’s elbow.

5) Neil Diamond In Black Face – The Jazz Singer

Where to begin… okay so someone had the great idea to remake the Al Jolson film, The Jazz Singer which in itself isn’t a terrible idea. But then someone decided to add Neil Diamond as the star. Again, in itself, not an awful idea but it’s clear we’re now starting down a pretty treacherous slope.  Neil’s character is a Jewish cantor who is writing songs for a black group. One night, the group’s lead singer is arrested and Neil has to fill in with him. Being in a predominately black club, Neil gets into black face and performs but is found out due to his white hands and not by the fact that he is a white man in obvious black face. Who thought this was a good idea? I know things were a bit different in the early 80’s but I’m pretty sure black face was still offensive.  In the original, it can squeak by due to the time period and politics of the era but in 1980 it just comes off as racist.

4) Sylvester Stalone Sings! – Rhinestone

Ever wondered what would happen if they cast Rambo in a comedy about country music with Dolly Parton? Of course you didn’t because you’re probably relatively sane. That being said, someone else did and the results were excruciating. It should be noted, that it is actually Sly singing. It’s not some internet hoax or meme but no one would blame you. His singing is so bad in the film, you’d be hard pressed not to think Rhinestone wasn’t an elaborate prank.

3) Vanilla Ice – Cool As Ice

Mr. Ice makes a second of two appearances on this list. This movie is just bad. Mind numbingly bad. Ice stars as a rapper who comes into town and then proceeds to say the worst dialogue in film history. Remember how I mentioned Neil Diamond in black face a little while ago? Now to put it in perspective, Neil Diamond in black face, better than Cool as Ice. Think about that for a minute.

2) Mariah Carey – Glitter

It’s kind of like “A Star Is Born” but awful.  So bad in fact, the director’s commentary should just be everyone responsible for the film apologizing to the viewers. The saddest part about this is Mariah has actually proven herself to be a decent actress since this film but unfortunately, Glitter is so bad that it will always be on her back like a bad tattoo someone gets in college.

1) Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band: The Movie

They say that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. If that’s true, I’m pretty sure approximately 2185 (the distance between Toronto to St. Petersburg, Florida) of those kilometers were paved by the film Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. I can see the allure of making a musical, especially when you can use the Beatles material. And I can also see making a musical with The Bee Gees as being an interesting idea (especially in 1978, at the peak of their popularity) and I can even see putting The Bee Gees in a musical involving the Beatles music but not adding George Burns and Peter Frampton and Steve Martin. It’s just a mess of a film that take a nice big loogie on the work of the Fab Four. The only redeeming quality is this is the soundtrack that gave us Aerosmith’s version of Come Together.

Feel free to add to the list in the comments section below!

 

Brent Chittenden

Brent Chittenden is a freelance writer with a gift for the geek. Currently a writer with A Journal Of Musical Things and a podcaster with True North Nerds, he's also written for Comic Book Daily, Explore Music and a dozen other places. Currently, he is the co-host of the True North Nerds podcast. You can find out more at www.facebook.com/bcchittenden

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