Last week, when I said I was ejecting all my hatred out… I kind of lied. I hate Christmas music, it’s pretty much a side effect of working retail during my teens and college years (those of you out there who are still in those trenches can relate). But how can I do this list every year? Don’t the same songs come up? Well, some do but thanks to you readers (maybe thanks is a strong word…), I always discover new and awful songs to celebrate the holidays . And if you’re one of those people who gets depressed over the holidays… this list isn’t for you… seriously… I don’t need more blood on my hands.
10) BTO – Taking Care Of Christmas
This is a song that I can take or leave, but after publishing last year’s list, I got a ton of emails, facebook posts and comments asking how this managed a stay of execution. I’ve got to admit, it’s pretty bad but some of you just hate this song with the fury of a thousand suns.
9) Sufjan Stevens – The Christmas Unicorn
I’m not sure if this is supposed to be part of an overall terrible joke but it comes from Steven’s collection of 40 Christmas tunes… and this one’s over twelve minutes long. If this is a joke, it’s been taken too far.
8) Cyndi Lauper – Christmas Conga
I assume Lauper was in the studio, contractually obligated to do a Christmas song and came across this horrible conga beat and decided to screw with her record label.Urgh.
7) New Kids On The Block – Funky Funky Xmas
This is possibly the whitest sounding “funky” song ever. This is awful, even by NKOTB standards. The guys don’t sound remotely into it, it’s like the audio version of when someone forces you to have your picture taken at a family party.
6) Alvin and The Chipmunks – Christmas Song
Last year’s list summed it up best. In the 70’s there were radio stations doing a thing where they would burn disco albums or run them over with steamrollers but yet, no one has ever suggested rounding up every Chipmunk album in a big pile on an empty Pacific island and nuking it? It would be the only thing I would ever support nuclear warfare on.
5) Aqua – Spin Me A Christmas
Did you know Aqua did a Christmas track? I didn’t… then someone sent it to me. I hate that person.
4) John Denver – Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)
Returning for a second round of holiday depression, everyone’s favorite country boy croons about an alcoholic Dad during the holidays.
3) Tiny Tim – Santa Claus has got the AIDS
To be fair, in 1985, the extent of the AIDS crisis wasn’t really known, and from what I gather, Tiny Tim kind of regretted this song. But just in case you didn’t do the math, this is Tiny Tim (the “tip toe through the tulips” guy) singing a song about Santa getting AIDS, accompanied by a crappy keyboard. I believe this is what they play in Hell this time of year.
2) Paul McCartney – Wonderful Christmas Time
Possibly the worst song ever written by any of the Beatles… including anything a drunk Ringo may have written on a napkin.
1) New Song – Christmas Shoes
Once again it tops my list and considering I added a song about Santa getting AIDS, that’s saying something isn’t it? And once again, it is so bad, I refuse to post the video (you can head to this link if you truly want to punish yourself) but trust me, Patton Oswalt sums this up nicely.
Okay dear readers, help me stack the list for next year. What are the worst Christmas songs ever? Feel free to post in the comments section below!