With apologies to The Eagles, this is the most clever movie review you’ll read this month

Chris Knight reviews movies for the Postmedia network of newspapers, including the National Post and the Ottawa Citizen. He was called upon to give his thoughts about the new installment in the Hotel Transylvania series. He chose to frame it in the style of the Eagles’ “Hotel California.” Sing along in your head as you read this.

Nice work, dude. (Thanks to Christopher for the link.)

In a dark movie theatre, AC in my hair
And the smell of Malteasers rising up through the air
After six car commercials, I saw the logo appear
“Sony Pictures Animation” it said
I felt a quivering fear
They made The Emoji Movie!
But “Chance of Meatballs” as well
And so I’m thinking to myself
This could be heaven or this could be hell
Then I heard Adam Sandler
Do Lugosi I’d say
Others’ voices in the cast piped up
I thought I heard them say …

Welcome to the Hotel Transylvania
Where they take a trip
On a giant ship
This is the third part of the Hotel Transylvania
And I think it’s cursed
’Cause they’re getting worse

The villain’s name is Van Helsing
He’s got it in for poor Drac
He’s got some pretty, pretty evil plans
And a crew of skipjack
But the monsters are ignorant
Of his cartoonish plot
Some gags I remember
But most I forgot
So I yelled at the writers:
“You ripped off Looney Tunes!
I haven’t seen humour this old
Since Saturday morning cartoons”
And still that Gomez and Samburg are playing along
I don’t mind their live-action stuff
But this just feels wrong

Welcome to the Hotel Transylvania
With a cameo
From Mel Brooks you know
But even his wit can’t save Hotel Transylvania
From its Tinder jokes
For the older folks

Monster/human loving
Oldies on the soundtrack
But I say: “The ’90s called your movie up
They want The Macarena back”
Back when Hotel 2 came out
The critics gathered for the feast
We stabbed it with our cruelest barbs
But we just can’t kill this beast

Last thing I remember
The climax hit the screen
But it was just a hash of Tomb Raider stunts
That I had already seen
“Relax,” said the director
“It’s your kids I’m working for
The only thing they’ll love more than this
Is Hotel Transylvania 4!”

Alan Cross

is an internationally known broadcaster, interviewer, writer, consultant, blogger and speaker. In his 30+ years in the music business, Alan has interviewed the biggest names in rock, from David Bowie and U2 to Pearl Jam and the Foo Fighters. He’s also known as a musicologist and documentarian through programs like The Ongoing History of New Music.

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