“Woopity scoop poop?” Kanye West’s new song is one for the ages. And that’s not a good thing. (But wait! There’s more!) [UPDATE!]

Thanks for coming, Kanye. Glad you could make it. We need to have a little talk.

No, it’s not about your bromance with Donald Trump. That’s a subject for another session. Instead, let’s talk about your music.

Are you serious with this new song, “Lift Yourself?” Or are you just trolling the Internet?

If it’s the latter, good for you. It worked. You got everyone talking about you, your music and the rumoured two albums you have in the pipeline. Just as Twitter was melting down over your mutual appreciation with Trump, you changed the conversation, diverting everyone away from something that had already turned toxic. But if you seriously think that this new song is good–

What’s that? No, I’m not a musician and I won’t even pretend to understand much of hip-hop culture. I’m not a critic, either. Frankly, I’m not even a fan of your work. But, c’mon. You can’t possibly think that “Lift Yourself” is any kind of “art.”

Yes, I know you’re the last great rock star in the old-school tradition. But jeezus, Kanye. This song sucks. I mean, look at these f*kin’ lyrics.

Poopy-di scoop
Scoop-diddy-whoop
Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop
Poop-di-scoopty
Scoopty-whoop
Whoopity-scoop, whoop-poop
Poop-diddy, whoop-scoop
Poop, poop
Scoop-diddy-whoop
Whoop-diddy-scoop
Whoop-diddy-scoop, poop

What? No, I’m not jealous of your genius. Trust me.

What other song?  “Ye vs. the People?” And T.I. is on it? So you’re admitting that “Lift Yourself” was a joke, a lead-in to a real song? Ah. Well played, son.

Let’s have a listen.

Wait a sec. Did I hear this line correctly? “I know Obama was heaven-sent, but ever since Trump won, it proved that I could be President.” You’re not serious about running in 2024, are you?

Kanye? We need to have another little talk.

UPDATE: We should have seen this coming. Smokepurpp, the enemy of J. Cole, has issued a remix of “Lift Yourself.” It includes these lines:

Esskeetit, esskeetit, huh?
Scooby-dooby-ba-boo ‘Sskeetit, ‘sskeetit, ‘sskeetit, huh? ‘
Sskeetit, huh? ‘sskeetit Scooby-dooby-ska-ska.

Once again, we’re talking about you, Kanye. I apologize. You may be some kind of evil genius after all.