And the winner of Eurovision 2023 is…

I watched the whole bloody goofy insane thing. Nothing anywhere else in the universe is as OTT and cheesy as Eurovision. It begins with 37 countries which is whittled down to 26 finalists, all of whom perform one more time before a live audience. And before you ask, yes, everyone performs to recorded backing tracks BUT the rules stipulate that the lead vocals must be live.

And the production values? Incredible. Often very, very, very silly but still impressive.

Frankly, I was hoping for Voyager, Australia’s entry. I thought they had a chance in light of the fact that rock bands can occasionally sneak through (ref. Lordi in 2006 and Maneskin in 2021). Yeah, the song is pretty 80s-ish (think bands like Europe and Asia), but in the context of everything else, I rather enjoyed them.

Germany was…weird. The lead singer was dressed in a costume reminiscent of the bad guy aliens in Galaxy Quest. They finished dead last. At least the host country, the UK, was spared that ignominy.

For sheer batsh*ttiness, I would have been happy to see Let 3, Croatia’s entry. They look like a cross between the Village People and a Nazi officer corps who routinely strip down to their underwear.

I even would have been happy with Finland because…well, just look. Look! The crowd was certainly on their side, chanting “CHA CHA CHA” throughout the voting portion of the program, greatly annoying hosts Graham Norton and Hannah Waddington.

Alas, though, despite a big last-second surge thanks to the public vote, it wasn’t enough to overcome the big jury lead amassed by the bookies’ favourite, Sweden’s Loreen. This means Sweden will host Eurovision 2023. I can’t wait.

So many backstories, too.

• Russia attacked the city of Ternopil just as its most famous residents–Eurovision contestants Tvorchi–were performing. Was that coordinated?
• There are plenty of Eurovision curses because of course there are.